Gassing Off

I think that those eco-protesters who invaded the runway at Stansted are bad people, and what is more, unwashed people. Do they not think that we in the government and outlying bodies (my body is considerably outlying at the moment, will have to sort that out after Christmas) are doing enough?! We do have jobs you know! I was just saying to my personal driver Miguel just the other day how economical it is for him to drive me around, as it means that two people are getting to work at the same time, effectively cutting our carbon emissions in half!

The price of energy is increasing, obviously because energy companies need the money and old people should be made to move about more to keep warm, otherwise think of the trouble they’d get into! The solution to the energy crisis is clearly that everybody should move about more! It’s that simple. Morons! Get off your slovenly arses! That’s what I say to my chaffeur Miguel, whenever he complains.

We need a natural balance. We need to destroy the environment so that it can grow back again. It’s what is known as The Cycle of Life. That’s why we are expanding airports, building more roads and disinclining people to travel on public transport due to ridiculously high ticket prices – because we’re trying to help Nature. It has been scientifically proven that we don’t need trees – they’re just big twigs sticking up from the earth. They get in the way of our beautiful concrete and tarmac, and to be honest, I think we all know that we’d be better off without them.

I have been working on some other ways of preventing climate change and reducing carbon emissions. Hear me out. These are what I’ve come up with so far:

– Harness the natural resources at hand – for instance, secure a deal with Chester Zoo to borrow their leopards for assistance on police patrols
– More pamplets about how to cut down less rainforests
– Plugs for cows to prevent methane
– Some kind of bubbledome to protect Rochdale from harmful rays, such as mantarays or Billy Ray Cyrus

If we can implement at least some of these, we can safeguard the future of our children, and maybe even their children, but perhaps not the ones after that. You can’t have everything. We are fully committed to cutting our carbon emissions by 12.5% by 2012, as soon as The Arctic freezes over.