Gassing Off

I think that those eco-protesters who invaded the runway at Stansted are bad people, and what is more, unwashed people. Do they not think that we in the government and outlying bodies (my body is considerably outlying at the moment, will have to sort that out after Christmas) are doing enough?! We do have jobs you know! I was just saying to my personal driver Miguel just the other day how economical it is for him to drive me around, as it means that two people are getting to work at the same time, effectively cutting our carbon emissions in half!

The price of energy is increasing, obviously because energy companies need the money and old people should be made to move about more to keep warm, otherwise think of the trouble they’d get into! The solution to the energy crisis is clearly that everybody should move about more! It’s that simple. Morons! Get off your slovenly arses! That’s what I say to my chaffeur Miguel, whenever he complains.

We need a natural balance. We need to destroy the environment so that it can grow back again. It’s what is known as The Cycle of Life. That’s why we are expanding airports, building more roads and disinclining people to travel on public transport due to ridiculously high ticket prices – because we’re trying to help Nature. It has been scientifically proven that we don’t need trees – they’re just big twigs sticking up from the earth. They get in the way of our beautiful concrete and tarmac, and to be honest, I think we all know that we’d be better off without them.

I have been working on some other ways of preventing climate change and reducing carbon emissions. Hear me out. These are what I’ve come up with so far:

– Harness the natural resources at hand – for instance, secure a deal with Chester Zoo to borrow their leopards for assistance on police patrols
– More pamplets about how to cut down less rainforests
– Plugs for cows to prevent methane
– Some kind of bubbledome to protect Rochdale from harmful rays, such as mantarays or Billy Ray Cyrus

If we can implement at least some of these, we can safeguard the future of our children, and maybe even their children, but perhaps not the ones after that. You can’t have everything. We are fully committed to cutting our carbon emissions by 12.5% by 2012, as soon as The Arctic freezes over.

Gone With The Wind

Well, now that the bluster of the Olympic Games in China has died down, our attention is drawn to the other side of the globe, to where Hurricane Gustav wreaks its rampant path. It is a ill Gustav wind that blows off no good.

The news reports have focussed on America, as that’s the most important country in the world, and predominantly ignored Cuba. The 2000 people who died there clearly not being newsworthy or worth a mention. As it should be. New Orleans is where it’s at. It’s all about New Orleans, getting the people out before the levee breaks. Like they forgot to do last time. But they held their hands up, and this time told people in an advance that it might be a good idea to get out of their homes and away from the flood plain. Very thoughtful of them, if you ask me.

I myself have had a few problems with wind. Sometimes the quiche that they serve at council chamber bashes hasn’t fully been defrosted, so ends up laying a little bit uneasily, causing a few gassy eruptions. Now some say that this may contribute to The Greenhouse Effect, but I say if it helps old men in allotments grow tomatoes and amusingly shaped rhubarb, how can it be a problem? I am all for it! (Ironicly, rhubarb tart has the same effect on me! And so the cycle of Nature is complete.)

So, it’s a moot point that we will be selling up most of the allotment land in the area to property developers, but that’s what The Environment Agency is for – knowing which bits of land are best to concrete over.

I remember the hurricane in Britain that time that Michael Fish failed to predict. I know how it feels to be put at risk and suffer loss by the forces of nature. Part of my fence fell down. I can fully sympathise with the plight of those poor people in New Orleans who had their homes flooded. Our thoughts are with you, and also with quiche. Apart from the filthy looters of course, who got everything that was coming to them.