Well, it sure has been a zany old year! I feel that the best way to summarise it would be in a little month by month review. Apologies for not keeping you updated on my antics this year, I haven’t really had time to keep up with things, and it isn’t because I was hiding from anyone or anything like that. No. I was just laying low as I had a lot of work on at the Pacific Rim consulate, and my debts had nothing to do with it.
January – This was the first month of the year. Not much happened. Tony Blair went in front of his friends at the Iraq Inquiry and said he didn’t do it, and we all believe him, don’t we? Oh yes we do! It’s like panto!
February – Michael Jackson dies! Oh no, that was last June. I really need to keep up to date with this thing. He had an album out though, or something, didn’t he?
April – Oil Be Damned! There’s a big oil leak off the coast of South North America. Lots of pelicans die, but BP isn’t bothered until it affects its profit margin. They try many different methods to cap the oil, such as sticking their fingers in the leak, putting their foot on it, or a heavy weighted object, but nothing seems to work. Eventually they ask somebody who knows what they’re doing to help, after decimating most of the local wildlife and fishing industry. Job’s a good ‘un!
May – A Mixed Bag Election. A Coalition government swept into power consisting of Tories and Lib Dems. I for one congratulate them, and would be happy to join either of their parties, were they to offer me the position. I am willing to assume any position that they ask of me. I’ll let you make up your own punchlines.
The Eurozone and the International Monetary Fund agree to a €110 billion bailout package for Greece. The package involves sharp Greek austerity measures, such as less plate-smashing and not so much
There is a bit of bother on a blockade in Gaza. The media broadcast that provocative protesters waving peace flags provoked the Israeli Defence Force, who then preceded to kill nine people and maim many others. Clearly justified. Israel’s prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu just shrugged and said, “What you gonna do? America still gives us money as we’re in charge of the banks, so nobody can touch us! Suckers!”
June – The World Cup took place in South Africa. Coincidentally, I attended on a fact-finding mission at the same time! Funny that! Paul the Psychic Octopus couldn’t have predicted it!
July – WikiLeaks releases its first load of information about the Afghanistan War. Most people aren’t really bothered, as it’s still in a far away place that doesn’t affect them.
August – It’s quite a hot summer.
September – In America we heard the advocating of burning of The Koran as a protest against the 9/11 attacks. Surely Pastor Terry Jones ought to have been advocating the burning of the Official CIA Insurgent Training Manual if that was the case?
October – The UK gets visited by The Pope. Chilean Miners are released, but The Pope has nothing to do with ejecting any miners.
November – Aung Sang Si Chiu (sp?) is released – China Nobel Peace Prize winner is still imprisoned, Iran stills holds Sakineh Ashtiani, America still holds Troy Davis and Mumia Abu Jamal, and many others.
Unfortunately, for some reason FIFA gave the 2014 World Cup to the Russians, which had no string-pulling . There’s clearly honour amongst FIFAs.
Students begin to protest. I think it’s good that they’ve gotten out of the house before Jeremy Kyle’s been on.
December – Taking A WikiLeak+I’m Dreaming of a White Phosphorous Christmas
I’ve been Ambassador Jack Brody, beaming into your living room by pirate satellite. Happy New Year, and goodbye for now!