Jack Knifing

Knife crime – is it something to get cut up about? Should we get that hacked off about it? Unverified statistics, the best kind, from a very reliable source that we invented ourselves and selectively manipulated in our favour, prove unreservedly that knife crime has decreased by a staggering four hundred percent.

All of this stabby business seems to stem from groups of youths who feel that they need to prove themselves by stabbing somebody. As a punishment they should be made to visit their victims. That will really cheer the victims up and make them feel safe, won’t it, and be a crushing revelation to the stabbers? At least as long as they’re not stabbing rich people, we don’t need to worry too much or take any drastic action!

Alternatively, I suggest that we ban all knives and make spoons sharp enough so that it is possible to cut with them. Spoon Crime could never, ever be taken seriously, so the whole thing would fizzle out in no time. At least, I would hope.

Gassing Off

I think that those eco-protesters who invaded the runway at Stansted are bad people, and what is more, unwashed people. Do they not think that we in the government and outlying bodies (my body is considerably outlying at the moment, will have to sort that out after Christmas) are doing enough?! We do have jobs you know! I was just saying to my personal driver Miguel just the other day how economical it is for him to drive me around, as it means that two people are getting to work at the same time, effectively cutting our carbon emissions in half!

The price of energy is increasing, obviously because energy companies need the money and old people should be made to move about more to keep warm, otherwise think of the trouble they’d get into! The solution to the energy crisis is clearly that everybody should move about more! It’s that simple. Morons! Get off your slovenly arses! That’s what I say to my chaffeur Miguel, whenever he complains.

We need a natural balance. We need to destroy the environment so that it can grow back again. It’s what is known as The Cycle of Life. That’s why we are expanding airports, building more roads and disinclining people to travel on public transport due to ridiculously high ticket prices – because we’re trying to help Nature. It has been scientifically proven that we don’t need trees – they’re just big twigs sticking up from the earth. They get in the way of our beautiful concrete and tarmac, and to be honest, I think we all know that we’d be better off without them.

I have been working on some other ways of preventing climate change and reducing carbon emissions. Hear me out. These are what I’ve come up with so far:

– Harness the natural resources at hand – for instance, secure a deal with Chester Zoo to borrow their leopards for assistance on police patrols
– More pamplets about how to cut down less rainforests
– Plugs for cows to prevent methane
– Some kind of bubbledome to protect Rochdale from harmful rays, such as mantarays or Billy Ray Cyrus

If we can implement at least some of these, we can safeguard the future of our children, and maybe even their children, but perhaps not the ones after that. You can’t have everything. We are fully committed to cutting our carbon emissions by 12.5% by 2012, as soon as The Arctic freezes over.

Bill Of Rights (and a few wrongs…)

Has anybody noticed that the price of household goods and things are going up and up and up? This is called “inflation”, like what balloons do. Companies can charge you, The Consumer, as much as they like, because they can, and because we, The Government, let them. You, The Consumer, are so blind and stupid that you keep buying expensive things and don’t open your mouths to complain. Baaa baaaa baaa! Look at you, you’re like little sheep! My friend Mr Darling has gone and done you all a favour by taking out a great big loan for you. As we all know, loans are like free money. Okay, so you’ll all have to pay it back at some point, but let’s not worry about that right now, shall we? Pretend it’s not happening and we’ll all be fine. After all, that’s not how we got into this fiscal mess in the first place, is it?

The IDs That March

Some people have piped up about the dangers of ID cards, but those people are wrong, and what’s more, probably terrorists, criminals, perverts, or skateboarders, the worst of all. These handy ID cards were introduced by the government to those pesky foreigners this week, and will be thrust upon the rest of the nation in the following year or two. Didn’t you hear? Oh, must’ve slipped our minds to tell you all… You see, I believe that people should all be treated as guilty until proven innocent. All this talk about evidence is outdated and inconvenient. We need to take your fingerprints and DNA because who knows, you might murder someone tomorrow, and how would we know who did it?! I mean, we’re all guilty of something, aren’t we? I’ve got nothing to hide, and nothing to fear, as long as those pesky news reporters keep their noses out. Privacy’s a funny thing like that, isn’t it?

And these people say that there is a problem that the massive National Identity Register database behind the scheme will cause a swathe of red tape, but in my opinion, you can never have enough red tape. It’s what binds us all together, after all! A uniting force in the universe of uncertainty. We need to know where you lived previously, what your medical records are, the details of your ethnicity and sexuality, not because we want to discriminate or anything, no way, but because we want to look after you.

Of course, you don’t have to participate, the scheme is fully non-compulsory. Only if you don’t have an ID card, you won’t be able to use public facilities like libraries, hospitals, sports centres, or travel abroad. They’re exclusive and essential, but definitely voluntary, you won’t need one to exist or anything. If you lose the card or get your identity stolen, well, that’s your own fault for being sloppy. You sort it out! You wouldn’t catch us leaving important and personal data like this around anywhere, would you?

Yes constituents, be safe in the knowledge that we will only sell your personal details to discerning insurance companies, supermarkets, junk mail schemes, and anyone who can pay off our massive debts, really. Don’t worry that it will all cost billions of pounds and probably won’t work anyway with our IT track record, it will be for everyone’s benefit. Hold on to your ID and learn to love Big Brother!

National Spongefinger Day

I hereby decree that from hereonin, today should officially be recognised as National Spongefinger Day. We can show our unswerving appreciation for the noble spongefinger, ever alert and ready to make a stand and get dunked into the tea of justice against the forces of non-spongefinger supporting nations. Spongefingers for all!

Responsibility Crisis

It is a tragic, tragic case that a child has died, and the cause of this needs to be rooted out for all to see, apart from those who we don’t want to show it to as it might prove slightly embarrassing. May I first say that it clearly could not be the fault of councillors like myself at Haringey Council who overturned social worker and police decisions to have the baby taken away into care. We all know what care homes are like, having watched the programme Tracy Beaker. This child would only have turned out an unruly tearaway like her if they had.

No, when you look more closely at the facts, only one conclusion can be found – clearly the person directly responsible for the abuse was none other than Mr Jonathan Ross. You see, and bear with me on this, by making a naughty phonecall and leaving rude messages on somebody’s answerphone, Ross’s actions and attitude have given the green light for wayward behaviour and scurrilous activities like this across the country. He and his cohort Mr Russell Brand have undermined morals in this country for far too long, making sordid allegations about sweet and innocent young table-dancers, and this sort of thing has to stop. Full stop.

It can also be proven with facts, that are not as yet substantiated, that Mr Ross is also to blame for the economic downturn credit crisis (we’re not allowed to call it a recession yet, or the nice stockbrokers and bankers might get upset), the assassination of John F Kennedy, the imprisonment of Nelson Mandela, the instigation of World War Two, and the increasing popularity corduroy trousers (perhaps the most heinous and lamentable of all crimes). The very best that we can hope for Mr Ross in this rational and decent society that we live in is public hanging and dismemberment. There is no greater crime than making rude phonecalls, and the fact that a baby has died really should put that into perspective.

Poppy Power

Well, it’s Armistice Day, the day that we remember the people who died in the wars, and make a solemn oath that this will never, ever happen again.  After all, the skirmishes in The Middle East and Afghanistan aren’t real wars, are they? They’re just minor incidents on the global map. It’s pretty much a textbook exercise in liberation. You see the difference? We’re liberating all of that oil, because we care.

It’s ironic, don’t you think, that the poppy is the emblem of Remembrance Day? It being one of the key cash crops of Afghanistan. It wouldn’t possibly be correct for me to suggest that the Western Alliance is attempting to also control the export of this product for their own ends, as that would be naughty, so I won’t. Suffice to say, I will be reclining in the safety of Brody Towers this evening with a nice little snifter to see me through.

American Dreams

Well, it looks as if Barack Obama is in the running to be the next President of the United States of America. I for one condone and support this. I think we could do with more colour in The White House. It has been a bit plain recently, don’t you think? That’s plain, not plane, by the way, we won’t mention them. I imagine that there will be a few wild parties happening in Obama’s new ‘crib’ than there have been previously, and barbecues – hopefully not cross-shaped ones on the lawn! I’m sure it will be similar to The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, only not in Bel Air, and without the other related tittle tattle and hippitty hoppity paraphenalia. I hope Carlton does his freaky dancing though, I love it when he does that. He the man.

It will be a fine day to recall the words of Dr Martin Luther King, “I have a dream” etc. Without him, Obama wouldn’t have been able to get to the position he’s in today. But I think it would be a different state of affairs if, say, somebody like Snoop Doggy Dog was in The White House (or should that be Dog House? Probably not!) (I’m not racist by the way, some of my best cleaners are black). I am quite familiar with gangsters and their rappitty ways, although I do find that too much rapping inspires gun and knife crime. Therefore, here in Rochdale I intend to introduce a No Rapping Zone – getting tough on rap, and tough on the causes of rap. Peace in da house. Da House of Commons that is.

I once had a dream in which I was a giant Jammie Dodger, and people kept coming up and taking a bite out of me. I wonder what it meant…

Vanity of the Bonfires

Guido ‘Guy’ Fawkes. Now he was an interesting chappie, wasn’t he? He wanted to blow up Parliament, just because he didn’t agree with some of the things that were coming out of it. Now, if we all went around blowing up things we didn’t agree with, well, where would we be? Iraq. Probably.

You see, politics is a bit like a fireworks display. You have the Catherine Wheels of Spin, the Exploding Rockets of Public Opinion, and the Damp Squibs of Election Promises. Remember, remember, if you do make a seriously important political promise, do not return to it, as it may blow up in your face. Kaboom!

Political Charms

Happy Halloween, constituents! You know, like Halloween, politics can seem scary to the uninitiated, but for those who do dabble in the Black Arts of Politics, there are plenty of tricks, and a whole manner of treats to be had! Tricks such as fixing the budgets so that it shows in your favour, scapegoating minorities for economic problems, and generally abusing the poor. Handily, these tricks can also be the treats!

But beware… as there are monsters afoot! The Vampires of Tax Cuts, wooooo, the Zombies of Public Opinion – shoot them in the head like those honourable policemen did with that nasty Brazilian terrorist! – and the Spooky Ghosts of Old Labour, sitting on the back bench, warbling away, with nobody really paying attention.

I could go on, but it’s a pretty threadbare analogy as it is, so I won’t.