The Gordonian Knot

Hello constituents. You may have noticed that there is a knot in our beloved Prime Minister Gordon Brown’s brow. It is a frowning Brown brow. Not a browning frown frau. That is something else entirely, and doesn’t bear thinking about. But I digress. Mister Brown, like the rest of the country, is suffering from a bit of a depression. Only, we’re not allowed to call it that, as it might upset people. We have to call it by another name, shall we say, “Fiscally Affected Disorder”, or alternatively, “F.A.D.” In a bid to overcome this F.A.D., our good friends at the Bank of England, or B.o.E., who have proven to know how to look after our money really, really well in recent times, have decided to be nice to Gordon in an attempt to cheer him up, and have printed him off a load of new money, in a step known as “quantitative easing”! This sounds like something I once went to see a doctor about. Hopefully their remedy will have much the same effect, loosening the knot and freeing up the flow of the clogged up system. We know that this has worked so well in Japan and Zimbabwe before, deflation and hyperinflation aside, so I predict a real boom (hopefully in the way we would like to see it)!

Is the knot impenetrable, or could it be undone? Well, there are several ways that Gordon could ease his quantities… working them out with a pencil may be a start… but whether this way is better than any other remains to be seen. I’m sure he and his friends know best. Printing money can’t be a desperate, floundering tactic at all, and of course, the money has to come from somewhere, doesn’t it? I wonder where? It probably doesn’t bear thinking about, so let’s knot think, and everything will be alright.

Obama, Where Art Thou?

Even though he’s been inaugurated as President of one of the most powerful countries on our humble little planet known as ‘Earth’, people still don’t appear to know that much about Barack Barry Hussein Obama II. Let me rap with you a while and tell you more. In West Indonesia born and raised (well, he was born in Hawaii to a mother from Kansas and a father from Kenya, then he moved to Indonesia when his ma divorced and went there with his ma’s new husband, so he was raised there), in Jakarta was where he spent most of his days, chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool and all that. Then he moved to Honolulu to live with his grandparents and had a life of excess and frivolity, possibly because a couple of guys who were up to no good started causing trouble in his original neighbourhood, but that is merely rumour and hushed speculation. He then went to study at Columbia University in New York, helped out in a church group in Chicago, and studied law at Harvard. If anything he could say that this student was rare, but he said, “Nah forget it, yo homes to the Senate Chair!” He pulled up to the Whitehouse about seven or eight years later and yelled to the FBI “Yo, homes smell you later”, looked at his kingdom he was finally there to sit on his throne as the President of America.

I expect there to be an engaging series of ensuing antics involving his comical posh butler Geoffrey being slightly sardonic about Barack’s wayward, yet essentially endearing behaviour, some wacky dancing from his cousin Carlton, various spats and disputes with his cousins, but watch out for Uncle Phil! He’s a big man and will give you a nasty frown if you step out of line! Don’t invite your old homies from the ghetto like Jazzy Jeff round either or they will be kicked out on the doorstep. Black power is about taking on white respectability. Only with more rhythm.

High Five In The White House!

So poor old George is gone. Let us pay our respects to that grand and noble man. What a hero he was, leading our troops to victory in Iraq against the pernicious terror network of Al Quaida, who weren’t even there until he showed up, and strangely resembled the Iraqi army that he unusually disbanded instead of employing and harnessing. Strange that… He also decided to fight the Taliban in Afghanistan, because they harboured the most wanted terrorist in the world, Osama bin Laden, who is still at large, and not because they harboured a great big oil pipeline that he had his eye on. He truly was the foe of terrorism and pretzels the world over. Ex President Bush will also be remembered for his tender diplomatic policies, his steady measures for economic stability, and his barely coherent sentences (apart from the ones he approved on Death Row that is!). How we all survived through his period in office is a minor modern miracle. Even Al Quaida must have sent hushed whispers around saying, “God, we’d better lay low while this nutter’s in charge!”

Now entering the scene stage left comes our brand new cipher for political change President Obama. He is a black man, if you had not noticed. Can you imagine what sort of policies he will introduce? An increase in jerk chicken subsidies and reggae-based public spectacles, no doubt. As hippitty hop musician Jah Rule said, “Rosa Parks sat so Martin Luther could walk, Martin Luther walked so Barack Obama could run.” I assume he means “run for President”, not “away from the police and white power groups”, although I could be wrong. It has been known before, and possibly will be again.

I’m sure that The White House will be buzzing with Obama’s family moving in. Will he get his dog, as he promised? I wonder what sort it will be? An Afghan Hound, maybe?

The evacuation of Iraq (well, the troops, anyway) is already underway and he has already made moves to close Guantanamo Bay. His inaugural speech was very quiet on the subject of the bloodshed in Gaza, leading some to speculate that he does not recognise the atrocities that happened there. This is understandable, but could not be any further from the truth. He has been busy, and had a lot of plans to make in the past few months since he was elected. He has to keep his eye on the actions of the most volatile regime in the Middle East, that of the undemocratically elected Iran. Do you really trust an extremist Iranian government with uranium? That would be insanium! I’m sure Hilary Clinton will be tactical with her foreign diplomacy, if not with her missiles. And if she fails, at least George Michael is there to smooth things over, perhaps with a careless whisper, who knows?

While all this frenetic activity has been going on, our own government have tried to suppress the release of politicians expenses under the Freedom of Information Act, but unfortunately, some sneaky snooping civil rights campaigners were still paying attention, and our beloved Gordon and his cohorts had to do an embarrassing backpedal! Fortunately most of the major press outlets haven’t published this story, so not many people know about it. Phew!

Haven’t we spread enough apathy to keep you all disinterested in our work as it is? I’m slightly concerned that Obama is a bad influence and may start getting people interested and involved in politics again. This can only spell doom and gloom for the economy, and more importantly, my bank balance.

People may have also noticed that statistics have been released that state that knife crime has increased by 18%, which is strange since in December Jacqui Smith claimed that knife crime had decreased, as we also reported, perhaps slightly overstating the figures. Whoops, naughty Councillor Brody! Slap my wrist and send me on my way. Don’t stab me! I’m too pretty!