Calling It A Broday

Hello Constituents

“Holiday, celebrate!” As Madonna liked to shriek on her hit parade records. It’s that time again when politicians can kick back and enjoy their summer hols. I myself am going away for a while, so won’t be able to update you with my fascinating, fantastic blogs, but hope that you are not too despondent, and have enjoyed them for what is coming up to almost a year, almost as much as I have enjoyed dictating them to my secretary Rowetta while she massages me. Jack may be back, in some guise or another, but we shall just have to see where the wind takes him after his upcoming state-funded fact-finding tour somewhere over the Pacific Rim. Perhaps I may even find a job there, I would be very fond of acquiring a Rim Job.

That’s all from Jack for now. Be seeing you!

Councillor Jack Brody

The Wiretappers & Snoopers Club

Greetings Constituents

It’s sometimes worrying wondering who’s watching or listening to you, isn’t it? That’s why it’s all the more scandalous to find that certain newspapers have been snooping on celebs to find out juicy news stories about them. As a politician, I cannot condone this sort of behaviour. You would never catch anyone in government doing the same thing.

That said, we are keen to introduce the Intercept Modernisation Programme to all citizens, tracking what internet sites they’ve visited and who they’ve been emailing or talking to on the phone. That is perfectly legitimate, as we’re trying to catch terrorists. I know that there are a lot of terrorists on Facebook and other scurrilous places like that, communicating with each other and arranging things, so the more scrutiny there is of that, the safer we will be. And by we, I mean me.

Stay vigilant, constituents!

Cllr JB

The Tennis Racket

Greetings venerable constituents!

You may or may not have noticed that it is the Wimbledon season at the moment, when people watch tennis while eating strawberries and avoiding Cliff Richard. One of our countrymen Andrew Murray is doing quite well, so I’m sure he’ll triumph all the way to victory, as is the British way.

You see, in a way, politics is a bit like tennis. You have two opposing viewpoints being batted about backwards and forwards repeatedly until one opponent gets the upper hand and smashes the other competitor into oblivion. Then they have to get new balls. There is a lot of points scoring that goes on, but fortunately there are umpires at the side who ensure that the players keep within the rules, which they do, all of the time. I think I’ve stretched that analogy as far as it will go.

With the upcoming Olympic Games in 2012, I think that this fine country of ours has a sporting chance of getting things up and running in good time. We might even get the chance to practise in the facilities beforehand, if we’re lucky!

Wiff Waff, as you may or may not know, is a sport that originated in this country, that we benevolently passed on to the Far East, where they renamed it Ping Pong, a more oriental title. I would not like to state whether a Wiff is better than a Pong. Nevertheless, if you look closely, you will see that this great country of ours has invented most well-known sports – football, snooker, darts, rugby, boxing, croquet, golf, bowls, discus, javelin, hurdles, fast walking, skiing, American Football, baseball, basketball, kabaddi, and lacrosse. The only sport that we don’t really lay claim to is shotputt, but that’s rubbish. Remember, we are the champions, my friend, and we’ll keep on fighting til the end (unless we stop for a wee like Paula Radcliffe).

Goodbye

Jack Brody, Cllr

A Simple Town’s Plan

Yo Constituent Homies!

Word up in da house! Da House of Commons that is. I’m Councillor Jack Brody, the Rebel MP, back once again with the ill behaviour, with the ill behaviour, riffin’ with you about the word on the street. Downing Street that is. They’re trying to find a new Speaker for the House of Commons. There have been a few scurrilous claims of a bit of Whipping going on. Now I know a few members frequent Madame Lash’s Dominatrix Parlour in Soho, but she really shouldn’t have that much penetration into political affairs, or any sort of affairs. I’m sure there will be a whole lot of probing going on.

The Rochdale Council Chambers where I work are also abuzz with activity throughout the year. We really do get up to all sorts. We are pushing to put landmines in the high street to deter skateboarders, the scourge of the modern metropolis, but recent international sanctions have prevented this, more’s the pity!

My pals down at the Rochdale Town Planning Department and I have been racking our brains to come up with some swanky new initiatives in a bid to improve our local environment and conurbations. I do enjoy a good conurbation. Fair dos, some of our previous schemes have not been, shall we say, entirely successful. The car park without any link roads, for instance, was not one of our finest hours. Nor was the motorway that finished didn’t lead anywhere. That was somewhat disappointing too. Our attempt at building popular tourist attractions has also fallen rather short of the mark. The Nation’s Shortest Tower only gets a trickle of the visitors that we had expected these days.

Nevertheless, we strive to achieve national recognition with our newest creation – The Rochdale Shoe Museum, detailing the world of shoes that exists around us, down to its very sole! They say you can tell a lot about a person by their shoes. For instance, if they’re wearing slippers, they’re probably just about to go to bed. Or if they’re wearing stilettos, they’re in for a good night. We at the Rochdale Shoe Museum will trace the history of winklepickers, walk the walk with some rather fetching espadrilles, examine the manifold Shoes of the World from across the globe, and have an in-depth display of wonderful brogues. Shoe’d be a fool to miss it!

In other less important news, the enquiry into the Iraq debacle is being conducted as privately as possible, to avoid any awkward questions. People don’t want to hear about that though. They want to hear about proper serious events, like the death of pop singer and backwards dancer Michael Jackson. I was present at the opening of a new major chain supermarket that has been built to absorb the jobs of local businesses just this morning, where I unveiled a lovely plaque. I enjoy unveiling plaques. Today I did the unveiling with the singer/songwriter Terrence Trent d’Arby. We did a tribute to dead pop singer Michael Jackson, doing a backwards dance down one of the aisles. I helped myself to a few freebies, seeing as how I was there. I think it’s what MJ would’ve wanted.

Sign Your Name Across My Cart

Be cool. RIP MJ.

CJB x

I Fought Sharia Law (And Sharia Law Won)

Hey there constituents!

How’s it going? We don’t get enough time to chat these days, do we? Lives can be so hectic, can’t they? Well, I really do hope we can keep in touch more from now on. It’s good to talk.

Now, there’s a lot of kerfuffle going on in Iran following their mock elections, isn’t there? The citizens got an outcome that they didn’t like, that looked vaguely rigged, so they’ve taken to the streets. How dare they? Don’t they believe those in charge? This sort of thing would never happen in Great Britain, and I’m very glad about that. We would just sit there, mumbling and grumbling, not doing anything about it while nothing improves and everything festers around us, as is the Great British way. I’m not saying that the New Labour government is festering, but their is a bit of a noxious whiff  emenating from somewhere in the cabinet. Not that I’m thinking of jumping ship or anything, just yet.

Iran is ruled under strict Sharia law. Not Sharia Twain, she don’t impress me much, nor Cheria Blair, although I’m sure as the Middle East Peace Envoy, her hubby and our saviour Tony Blair is there in the heat of the action, trying to smooth things over in his own inimitable way. The advocates of Sharia Law were helped into power in Iran by a CIA influenced overthrow, not a C&A influenced overthrow, although President Ahmadinnerjacket’s ubiquitous grey suit may well have fitted quite smartly in their summer range.

Hello, I'm Wearing A Snazzy Jacket

We are even lucky enough to have a smattering of Sharia Law courts on our own doorsteps. As our good Archbishop Rowan Williams says, “one law for everybody [...] that’s a bit of a danger”, and isn’t about enforcing zealous religious extremism at all, no way baby Jesu! As Bob Dylan once stated, “Everybody must get stoned!”, so let’s draw a veil over the matter, before things go nuclear!

Archbishop Williams also recently said that criticising politicians for their expenses is a bit much, and could have grave consequences for democracy (rather than being the grave of democracy, as other filthy detractors have claimed!). I must say that he has my utmost support! Too right! What business is it of journalists to chastise politicians for making a few minor indiscretions with their finances? I am a thoroughly decent and upstanding person, if I don’t mind saying so myself, and those biscuit receipts were going to be paid back into the kitty once I broke into that twenty pound note. Trust me.

Be seeing you! Call me!

CJB

Hope Lies In The Polls

Grrrrrrreetings constituents!

Now, defeat can be a funny thing. In a way, a bad turn out at the polls can also be deemed as a success. You see, there were a lot of people who didn’t vote, so that means that if they had voted in favour of New Labour, we would have won! You have to look on the bright side, don’t you?

Gordon has had a quick shuffle just before the weekend. You can’t beat a good shake-up. He managed to implement a really radically innovative new cabinet - where nothing much really appeared to change at all! Ally ‘Oops’ Darling remained as Chancellor, Jack ‘Drinking’ Straw is still Justice Secretary, David ‘Filliband’ Milliband is doing whatever it is he did before, strutting about around the world and telling people what to do or whatever it was, and Peter ‘Are The Handles On?’ Mandelson has become Secretary for Business, Enterprise and Regulatory Reform, and essentially Deputy Prime Minister. If Gordon gets the boot or happened to be involved in some kind of ‘incident’, he could even become head honcho by proxy. I’m sure this thought has never crossed his innocent mind. The peerage that he’s been given must be a nice sweetener, especially after getting away with that mortgage fraud. It is changes like these, that involve no changes at all, that show how the government is best placed to overcome the difficulties at hand.

Gordon has shown himself to be the Leader of the Pack. He’s the king in the deck. Ok, so the House of Cards may be teetering a little, on the brink of collapse, but I’m sure that Gordon has a few aces up his sleeve.

Some readers may be interested to know that it is the 60th anniversary of the release of George Orwell’s utopian novel 1984 this week. I think it is a great celebration to have the Prime Minister that we have now introducing all sorts of surveillance techniques as seen in the book, and really making the best of this blueprint for a highly regulated, efficient society. Mr Orwell would be proud to hear that we’ve been watching Big Brother and learning a whole lot from him! Doubleplus good!

Bro-D-y Day (By Royal Appointment)

Greetings Free Citizens of Western Democracy

This Saturday will be a day of recollection. I don’t mean putting money into a collection box and taking it out again via your expenses like Frank Cook MP did. That would be a bit indelicate. I’m sure that it was nothing more than just a simple mistake, anyway, like all of those other simple mistakes that have been happening with striking regularity all over the place. If you pay it back it is not breaking the law.

It is the 65th anniversary of D-Day on Saturday 6th June,  the day on which a small band of brothers landed on Normandy beach and got shot to pieces, a stirring reminder of why many Britons fought valiently against the creeping threat of fascism in Europe. Unfortunately somebody forgot to invite the Queen, to the gig this Saturday I mean, not in 1944, so all parties in between have been passing the buck to and fro and not accepting any sort of responsibility themselves. Always good to see that level of reliability – you can rely on it every time. It looks like Mr Obama might swoop in to save the day at the last minute, as is the American way.  Mr Sarkosy of France has suggested that the Queen would do better staying at home to watch the Epsom derby. As a Frenchman, he would probably know best about staying at home at a time of national importance.

It is just this sort of Euro Poncing that I am slightly perturbed by, and would like to express my reservations on the Europe Question. I’m not such a big fan of Europe. The continent, I mean, not the band. I quite like them, and often do a vivacious rendition of It’s The Final Countdown on karaoke at The Toad Preservation Trust Hall. It’s the European Union (EU), Emu, Euros and You Rang M’Lud starring bloated, goiter-ridden actor Paul Shane that I can’t stand. The Europeans, after all, are after one thing and one thing alone - our Great British biscuits! They want to swamp us with their European ways, but can’t understand the traditions of a decent biscuit and a nice cup of tea, yet they want to take them away from us. They can’t keep their filthy mitts off them, but they’re not having them, see? Not over my dead biscuit-crumb encrusted body! These biscuits are mine! All mine! Ok, some biscuits do originate from our continental neighbours, I must admit, such as the Garibaldi and the Nice, but we Brits took them and made them great. British biscuits for British people. We’ll soon be at biscuit parity. Not Biscuit Party, although that’s not such a bad idea now I say so myself.

Brussels would probably want to impose regulations against improperly shaped biscuits and their availability in shops due to economic conditions though. I feel that this would not be a good thing. Of course, we can’t have a referrendum on it like the government promised, as that would be a bit like doing what we said we would and letting people have a say in a democratic society. We can’t be having that!

It is rather timely that all of this coincides with the European Elections on Thursday 4th June too! Our boys stood up to European biscuit fascism in 1944 and so it’s unsettling to see its menacing tendrils begin to engulf Europe once more, such as with the BNP in this country. They say they’re not a racist party, only they don’t like foreigners. I can’t say I’m a big foreigner fan, not the band Foreigner, I quite like them too, and often do a vivacious rendition of Cold As Ice down at the Toad Hall Karaoke Night, but I mean immigrants in general, but I wouldn’t want to pen them all up in camps and get rid of them. Well, not all of them. The BNP however, are just thugs. Ugly thugs at that, the worst kind of thug. We should not allow extremists like these anywhere near politics, and they should be banned and encarcerated for 90 days without trial. That sounds like an extremely well-balanced approach to the situation.

I feel that we should generally embrace diversity, and so I was glad to see that in Britain’s Got Talent we saw Diversity triumph. Will we see the same in the Euro elections? In fact, why don’t they make all of the politicians learn a dance or do a song to help them get elected? After all, they seem to make a song and dance about everything else. It would certainly make it more exciting and engaging for the public and probably get more participants who actually possessed some kind of talent. I wouldn’t have to worry too much, as I’m not standing. I don’t stand for much. My legs won’t take it these days, it’s all those biscuits. At least I’ve got that nice new garden furniture to sit on, to help with my duties, of course.

Please give as generously this Saturday as you would wish to receive.

***BREAKING NEWS*** I have just been informed that our beloved Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has announced that she will be leaving us. Somebody it seems has finally pulled the bathplug. I for one am sure that her departure will be met by much weeping and wailing in the streets. She has proven to be a staunch defender of law, order and human rights that she will be dearly missed (by numerous political snipers). May she spend a peaceful and productive future with her family back at home, when she can decide which one it is.

Fight Night

Greetings Constituents and Constituentettes

You may not have been able to catch me at my surgeries recently as I have been on many top secret diplomatic missions and other extremely serious matters that have meant that I have not been available to answer your queries, especially those regarding my, shall we say, extenuatingly exaggerated expenses claims. I have not been ducking out of public view, as some insensitive people have claimed, a duckhouse is the last place you’d find me. I have receipts for all of the biscuits that I have bought from the public purse, some of which I have fed back into the community at my one-to-one meetings, so in a way, it could be said that you owe me, really. But Jack is kind like that, and won’t hold it against you. The bathplugs and other additional items were all to help me to perform my duties as an MP. You wouldn’t seriously want me to turn up for work without having a bath in my deep-imbedded luxury jacouzzi, would you? Many a floosie has been waylaid in Jack’s Jacouzzi.

While surfing the wonders of the world wide web, my secretary Rowetta spotted THIS scurrilous article about my very blog! Somebody calling themself The Pickards is claiming that I, Councillor Jack Brody, am an imposter! Just because he may not have heard of me, it does not mean that I do not exist! How indignant can you get? These are not the only false claims that have emerged relating to myself. I confess, I did use a little creative accounting on my expenses, but we’ve got to move on from that now. I fully admit that I have learnt my lesson. I paid back the money for those Hob Nobs, and so let’s let nothing more be said of it (while we vote in new rules to allow us to ciphon money in a different way behind the scenes!).

Now, one of my favourite movie film actors of all time is Arnold Schwarzenneger. In the coming weeks I would like to employ The Arnie Approach to Politics. Governor Schwarzenneger of California (uber alles)’s political campaigns have been some of the most successful of recent times, and I am going to apply the principals of Arnie Power to my own upcoming campaigns. I will be saying, “The time has come to get tough with unemployment!” I will be saying, “Hasta la Vista social security club!” And I will be saying, “I will not tolerate The Gays and their fake fairy marriages!” Just who do they think they are, mincing about without a care in the world, going to discos, attending Mardi Gras and having touchy bottom shenanigans? My good colleague Stephanie Turnpike of the Liberals may find this viewpoint contentious, but then she would. Even if she booted me out, I’d be back.

I’ve noticed that there has been a lot of aggression in the news recently. The North Koreans are getting a little uppity, firing off missiles to show that they mean business on the international stage. What sort of business, I can’t quite fathom, but they mean it, quite vociferously. There’s all that unpleasant activity in Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, Zimbabwe, Sudan, The West Bank, Burma, Tibet, close by in Ireland, all over the place really! I for one do not condone this sort of behaviour.

Anyway, I was very disappointed by the Man Utd score against Barcelona. They should’ve given them a good thrashing and beaten their heads into a pulp! What’s wrong with them? Sissies! Crush the opposition! Pound them into the ground and make them whimper in fear as their bones crumple to pieces! Destroy them! Mash them to bits!

Peace off, Jack.

You’ve Been Quangoed!

Dear constituents

Many of you come to ask me, “Jack old buddy, what are Quangoes, and what do they do? Are they a type of citrus fruit from Equatorial Guinea?” I say no. These quangoes are in fact groups of well-meaning individuals who are forging a New Britain. I won’t tell you what else some people think they are forging! They are doing a first class job of meeting up and talking about things. Why, where would we be if we did not have people who met up and talked about things? We would have a situation where people didn’t meet up and talk about things, and then where would we be? We would be Quangoless, that’s where!

These people are good people. These people are honest people. These people are unelected people who get paid quite a lot. Almost £100 billion a year, it seems. These people are there to help. To help you citizens. To help families and local businesses. But most of all, to help themselves. And boy, do they help themselves!

See you later! You’ve been Quangoed!

Jack Takes The Peace

Salaam Constituent Effendis!

I am writing to you this week from afar – the vibrant streets of Sahiwal in Pakistan, Rochdale’s twin city! I am on an official government business, acting as an envoy. You could say I’m the envoy of the world! If you wanted to. This little trip has nothing to do with getting out of the expenses fiddling firing line at home. All of my fiddling is done above board and in the public eye. I’ve got the receipts and bathplugs to prove it! I like to think that I am more like Pope Ratzinger, spreading a message of peace to the world. Most places that I go, people tell me that I am talking peace. There is a small problem that I may have jumped from the frying pan into the large curry-cooking receptacle, with a little bit of a war stirring up here, but the firing line is at least safe from those pestering press people. This is a diplomatic mission after all, and I am showing to my constituents that I am dedicated to making the world a safer place, and I’m not just off on a jolly or anything to wait for the heat to die down at home. No way!

I have spent time amongst the people, learning about their fine traditions and customs. I’ve met the Mayor of Sahiwal, who is a big fan of the Rochdale Asbestos Memorial, and has a large array of asbesdos memorabilia himself. I tried to tell him that the memorial wasn’t a tribute to asbesdos itself, but to the people who have died from it, but I think something was lost in translation. Still, he seemed happy, so who am I to judge?

One of the tasks appointed to me by the British Consul was to find out if there was any oil in the area, so during my appearance on Sun Rise FM Radio in the city, I asked listeners to let me know about the sort of exciting goods that their fine town produced. We in Rochdale have a fine manufacturing tradition too. In fact, some of our best cotton goods were imported from sweatshops here. Now the economy isn’t doing quite so well I am thinking that maybe some kind of a Sweatshop Exchange Scheme might not be in order, but I will have to see how that sits with the other local councillors at our next session.

I heard one local tale of a Christian woman who had been abducted by masked Muslim gunmen in a bid to “convert” her. I hadn’t come here to start an international incident, so I could not really get involved, but I gave them my assurances that I would bring this case to the attention of the British people, so this is what I am doing now.

Tensions are somewhat strained between the government and the religious extremists The Taliban at the moment. They are trying to impose clampdown restrictions on liberal excesses and decadent Western influences, such as long haircuts, music and broadcast media. In effect, The Taliban wants a Telly Ban. The Pakistani Army is fighting back with all of its might, but there are civilians getting caught in the crossfire, and it seems to be developing into rather a delicate situation. Part of me is thinking that my party sent me out here to get embroiled in this situation, but I cannot believe that to be the case. I will do my best to secure a ceasefire, but the only white, flag-like item of clothing that I have available is my underwear, and I haven’t washed those for several days. Also, with all of the fighting quite nearby, they aren’t in a very fit state for purpose.

There’s also a bit of bother over in Burma at the mo. Why can’t people stop mithering each other, that’s what I want to know? The opposition leader Aung San Suu Kyi is currently languishing in prison after a Vietnam vet visited her after swimming across a lake to get to her house, where she was under house arrest. This is a serious crime in Burma, apparently. I’m sure that the authorities there have their reasons, and enough upstart monks to be dealing with as it is, but this sort of treatment is a little unsettling, even for me.

I do somewhat miss the cheery gargoyles at Town Hall (and I’m not talking about my opposition colleague Stephanie Turnpike! Although I do hear that she likes to spend time attached to the sides of buildings! Sha has a face like granite most of the time too!). I intend to be back home by Saturday, when all of this expenses brouhaha should have died down, and I can join my European friends for a Eurovision Fiesta, all taking place at the Toad Preservation Society Hall! It struck me as slightly intriguing that two of Rochdale’s finest musical outfits both have reptilian titles – The Chameleons and The Mock Turtles! In a way, I can see myself as being a bit like a reptile. I am versatile, being able to breathe on the safe land of public opinion and in the waters of politics. I also have webbed feet. Perhaps I should not need to share that with you, but I am not ashamed about my condition. It helps down at the Swimming Baths! Well, it did before we closed them to save money so I could get my personal pool filtered, anyway. It’s all above (diving) board, I have the receipts to prove it.

In a bid to create harmony across the world, I have written a new song to help unite the nations, that I hope to sing at my Eurovision Extravaganza event. It goes a little bit like this:

Oh we all have friends in Pakistan
Even though they may be extremists in The Taliban
And we all have friends over in IranNow that journalist’s been released we can roll out our next war*ahem* peace plan

We all know not to mess with Joanna Lumley and The Gurkhas
Or The Taliban and their wives in bhurkas
We have no British jobs for British workers
But let’s be considerate to expenses shirkers

Don’t go jerkin’
With my gherkin
(The large, oddly-shaped building I mean,
Not anything obscene!)

I think it could very well land me the top spot! Dix Poi!

At least I don’t have to worry about swine flu out here. Phew! I hope that’s not too undiplomatic of me to say so. I could really do with a drink too.

Last thing before I toddle off, I hear that there’s a bit of trouble up at Hubble, the Space Telescope. If the expenses furore doesn’t die down at home soon I may have to take a little trip up there too! It should be out of this world, and give me a nice view of things from afar! Perhaps I could wire it up to Jacqui Smith’s GCHQ surveillance system while I’m up there? I’m sure NASA wouldn’t mind, they seem like accommodating chaps, really. It’s ok for us to spy on you citizens, but we’d prefer it if you didn’t intrude on our privacy quite so much – have you seen the terrible outcomes that occur? Obviously what you’re doing is in the public interest, whereas our activities are completely sound and safe, decent and honest. Trust us. Tata!